Friday, 21 September 2012

curious case of an ex

I got a text from my ex letting me know that today is the day he moves on as I left him incapable of loving someone else in the past. Today must be the day that should go down in history of his life as being this magical day when he wakes up and sees the world around him in this new light, where I don't exist anymore. Err... rewind to last month, I wasn't there then either, or last to last, or last to five months last - so why this sudden reminder of my selfish cold-hearted nature? This post is aimed at all people like him including both the genders who get this sudden impulse to throw their baggage at others. I can't possible be the only problem in your life when it takes you so much time to move on. But I'm not whining about your own personal issues here, am I?

Oh, and let's rewind this back to the place where I wasn't your girlfriend in the first place. This post is hereby named, curious case of an ex friend. We did not even date to compensate for the hallucinatory idea that I left you incapable of loving someone. I as a friend supported you, gave you good career advice and almost every time told you to focus on your life, that's what a good friend usually does. One-sided love, we all fall in for that; having feelings for friend which might not get reciprocated- even that experience I've  undergone but in both the cases, I know deep down it's a suicide mission. I love someone and that someone does not love me, so if I can't get myself ready for getting hurt and then in the end blame that someone else, I'm just being a moron. No, my dear ex-friend, I'm not calling you a moron. But if you're smart enough, which I think you're, you should know that if you were actually cutting me off from your life, you'd have done it without informing me. You're angry, you're hurt and a million other things, you want me to apologize, which I don't have any issue doing it but I refuse to do so. Because it would mean that the sole cause for your sorry state lies with me. That is not true. 

I haven't heard a single accepted definition of love so far, but when people tell me why they hate someone accompanied by hundreds of justifiable reasons, I often accept them. My ex-friends for hating me is also somehow acceptable. This is why I don't like friends falling in love with other friends, somehow they fail to see that the other friend might be impervious to their feelings because there are things you look for in a lover and some in friends. You might just lose a lover, but for someone else it's losing a friend, which might mean a lot more to that person. Lovers don't last, neither do love forever but as hard as it might be to believe, some friends do. And just for the record, you were not just my ex-friend, you were an ex-best friend and you've no clue what it is to lose one such person from your life because I will be replaced easily, you -- won't be.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

of whoremones and sickness

Fifty five people have visited this blog so far. I wonder who they are, why of all the people they're reading my blog, but it lasts for a moment and then I move on to other things. Inconsequential things to be precise. 
There are few lessons that I learned today

1. Premature celebrations are never worth it.
2. Life isn't fair and you can accept it but it sucks when you can't do much about it. I owe a drink to this day. 
3. Cut off those people from your life who give a fuck about you only when you're at your best.
4. If you can't cutoff, atleast remember the names, will do you good in future.

I don't know if it happens with everyone but being sick has done some thing really weird to my  hormones because I am feeling amazingly horny. The good thing is smart ones will keep their distance from the sick me and the dumb ones - I don't want to do them anyway. I really hope it's a phase. 

I wonder sometimes why I don't go for amazingly handsome guys like the normal ones. Mention of the week is this weird looking guy with good sense of humor but he looks like ones who are into long commitment so maybe maintaining a distance will do me good. Let's see how it goes.

Orgasmic line of the week - But I want you to know, that the first time I fuck you, I might scare you a little. Because I'm a man and I know how to do things. (Girls, start watching Girls.)

Monday, 17 September 2012

Monday blues

Ever had those days when you wished you weren't alone sulking in your bed. I forgot to add, those days when you've got bad cold, moderate to high fever and an itchy throat, when you hate the world even if you you've exceptions marked inside your head. Yes, you hate everyone except that in that hate there's a deep underlying wish someone would call and listen to you whine about how terrible it is that you're always at the suffering end, how unfair it is out of all the people you've to get infected with some virus, that too when the week has just started and you've so much workload to get done with. Oh, and forget about the social life. No one wants a contagious friend around, so it's better to act like a snob and avoid others altogether.

On days like these I miss being someone's Delilah. Even a long-term relationship will do, if I've comforting words from Mr. Beloved. Be cheesy, spoil me, hear me out, and tell me the world revolves around me, till I am back to my good health. When I can again start using my rational faculties and think about hundred reasons of how you aren't suitable for me, how our relationship won't work out, how there are no happy endings. But that's for future. Today, let me believe in you.

Did I forget I pushed that You away from myself, my life some time ago, all that is left are few poems and leftover memories in my head. Delusions of a sentimental heart.

Pray.Get Well Soon. For Your Own Sanity.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

crushing crush crushes

This whole business of stalking people on Fb is tiring. First you stalk them, then you add them and then you've to make the first attempt to ping them. The ten seconds in which your crush contemplates about typing a reply, is the worst ten seconds of your day 'cause seemingly your shallow self-esteem depends on it. Oh wait, self-esteem did you say? You lost it way back when you send that friend request. Obviously he knows you've taken effort to find his unusual name on Fb, and if it wasn't that obvious you made it axiomatic by saying 'Hey, Whats Up?' We both know we are not on hey, what's up terms anyway.

So, after casual replies in which it seems I've been typing essays and he giving one-liner responses - the crush leaves (the excuse seems acceptable or I'm forcing my mind to believe so.) But when he does come back online again, do I reply and kill the leftover minuscule self-esteem groping for survival or behave as if it doesn't matter and waste my hours thinking about what if/ why is he/ should I have sort of redundant thoughts.

I read a quote once which said about giving things a try; about getting over a crush once you know him better.  All I am doing is putting theory into practice. If I know him better and he no longer remains my crush, will consider the mission successful ; otherwise will have the episodic traumas in which my crush will walk all over me like I usually walk over those who are crushing over me. Don't bring Karma into picture; it has got nothing to do with it.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

no tomorrow

There are a lot of orgasmic things in life, most beautiful of them for me is music. It's not when you're walking towards your lecture, wearing your earphones - not sure if you're listening to music or avoiding people - some random thoughts clouding your head. It can never in that moment, because you're too engrossed in this gameplay of meeting, colliding, escaping. It happens when you're not conscious about your awkward leg position, your dry as straw hair, or the fact that you're clueless about your future. But like most of the things in life, it comes with an expiry period. Too bad if you missed the moment trying to preserve it - writing about it, blogging, texting, shouting it aloud -  it's okay 'cause you have had too many such fleeting moments of passing joy.

I missed my moment of joy when I was reading a mail. It's like a continuous reminder of how self-centered I am. How this person, let's call him X, mails me everyday telling me about his daily routine, the tiniest details that made his day special and wishes me good luck for future, leaving a note with every mail to talk to him whenever I feel like. Story of an unrequited love - he, the chivalrous hero; me, the cold-heartless narcissist. I can pretend to be in love, but it's too much effort. And I feel I am getting old now, I get tired with all the pretension, already in this crowded city, there's hardly a place to breathe. X lives with the hope that in future, we both will be together, when finally I'd get tired with the world and open my eyes for the first time - as dramatic as it sounds - and realize what a fool I've been all my life. That's not going to happen. Decisions - good or bad that I make, are mine to worry about. And we both can do with less drama in our life. This will continue for few more days and then you're going to hate me eventually. If not hate, then be indifferent. All I am saying is, don't make me wait for months for that to happen. Cut to the chase and we both will do fine. Will Breathe.

Hello, there.

The first post like first of everything has a little bit of excitement and a fear that it's going to be old, a routine soon. Do I want to escape that monotonous, banal state of mind? Instinctively, yes - logically, no. 

I have often enjoyed the first's. Except my first kiss with a girl (I'm a fantabulous kisser but it's the girl whom I'm indifferent towards. Few drinks and I'm a gonner.) and my first time (again, alcohol does me no good). It's more of a whine then regret. I hope a blog would do me less harm. 

I plan to speak few of my thoughts here. The ones I wouldn't usually share with anyone. Being anonymous is bliss 'til you remain so.

Make love, safely -with War, you can take chances.